Today is Friday, March 12, 2010
There's so much I want to do with my life. I've always been the person that jumps from one place to another. Yet at the same time, when I sit back and look into my life from the outside, I feel very lonely.
What I know and what I feel are such separate entities (I question my word choice, but hey, this isn't a formal paper). I know that I am making an impact in people's lives. I know that I am not just another person walking down the street. I know that I can and I will make a difference in the future. Yet at the same time, I feel like I can disappear and no one will notice. And if they do, I can be easily replaced.
Sometimes it seems like I'm just there. I suppose it's the consequence of always hurrying around. I don't spend hours upon hours developing friendships. But at the same time, I try to be there for people when they most need it. Selfishly, I feel like people don't have time for me. We all lead busy lives. I'm not going to compare who's busier because different people have different ideas on how they want to spend their time. Yet it hurts to see that I am rarely (if ever) called out to hang out, have a cup of coffee, or even have a study date. I understand I have a history of being busy (and still am), but that doesn't mean that I don't do other things.
It sounds like I am complaining now. I am not. I'm just typing my thoughts down. Sometimes it helps just letting it out. Although it's probably better to talk to someone rather than screaming it out to the world (not really, but blogging is very public and I have no idea who reads this).
I'm just procrastinating at this point. I need to step back and take a breather. My shift today got canceled. I'm happy and sad about it. I'm glad I have more time to do work. Yet at the same time, I need the money.
I don't need income in the sense that I cannot survive without it. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have a financially stable family to provide the basic needs. Sure, I pay for tuition and so forth, but it's because I choose to, not because I need to.
I am excited for coop to start. It'll provide the opportunity that I was looking for, plus the income that I want. I was cleaning my room the other day and I realized that I have a lot of stuff. I've collected many treasures (in my eyes) throughout the years. Many things that I figured I should keep because it may be useful in the future. I think I'm going to clean it out. I want to overhaul my life.
There are closets full of stuff I don't use anymore. I have books and magazines. I have shelves full of craft supplies. I have boxes full of old learning materials. I have tubs of childhood toys. I have piles of clothes. I have bags of makeup. I want to clear it all up. Maybe I'll sell some stuff and donate the rest.
I don't want to part from them because they are my possessions. Yet at the end of the day, if I haven't touched them for months or even years... how important are they? Do I really need it?
That way of thinking has really curved my shopping styles. I love purchasing new items. But I know that if it's not something I need and if I don't deserve the little treat, I shouldn't bring it home--even if it's a good deal.
I don't plan to change my life. I have no need to do that, but I want to start on a clean slate. I think my cleaning out my stuff, it'll help me clear my thoughts as well. I need to get rid of all the baggage that's weighing me down!
That makes no sense... meh. By the way, if you're still reading, do you enjoy my change in subject? There's no way I can tie this post together into a coherent idea. Plus, I do that enough already for school. Also, there are many flaws with the thoughts I've typed up in this post. Don't you think I deserve to type mindlessly?
---
I just did a word count and it said I typed 737 words. Wow. Procrastination much?
What I know and what I feel are such separate entities (I question my word choice, but hey, this isn't a formal paper). I know that I am making an impact in people's lives. I know that I am not just another person walking down the street. I know that I can and I will make a difference in the future. Yet at the same time, I feel like I can disappear and no one will notice. And if they do, I can be easily replaced.
Sometimes it seems like I'm just there. I suppose it's the consequence of always hurrying around. I don't spend hours upon hours developing friendships. But at the same time, I try to be there for people when they most need it. Selfishly, I feel like people don't have time for me. We all lead busy lives. I'm not going to compare who's busier because different people have different ideas on how they want to spend their time. Yet it hurts to see that I am rarely (if ever) called out to hang out, have a cup of coffee, or even have a study date. I understand I have a history of being busy (and still am), but that doesn't mean that I don't do other things.
It sounds like I am complaining now. I am not. I'm just typing my thoughts down. Sometimes it helps just letting it out. Although it's probably better to talk to someone rather than screaming it out to the world (not really, but blogging is very public and I have no idea who reads this).
I'm just procrastinating at this point. I need to step back and take a breather. My shift today got canceled. I'm happy and sad about it. I'm glad I have more time to do work. Yet at the same time, I need the money.
I don't need income in the sense that I cannot survive without it. Luckily, I am fortunate enough to have a financially stable family to provide the basic needs. Sure, I pay for tuition and so forth, but it's because I choose to, not because I need to.
I am excited for coop to start. It'll provide the opportunity that I was looking for, plus the income that I want. I was cleaning my room the other day and I realized that I have a lot of stuff. I've collected many treasures (in my eyes) throughout the years. Many things that I figured I should keep because it may be useful in the future. I think I'm going to clean it out. I want to overhaul my life.
There are closets full of stuff I don't use anymore. I have books and magazines. I have shelves full of craft supplies. I have boxes full of old learning materials. I have tubs of childhood toys. I have piles of clothes. I have bags of makeup. I want to clear it all up. Maybe I'll sell some stuff and donate the rest.
I don't want to part from them because they are my possessions. Yet at the end of the day, if I haven't touched them for months or even years... how important are they? Do I really need it?
That way of thinking has really curved my shopping styles. I love purchasing new items. But I know that if it's not something I need and if I don't deserve the little treat, I shouldn't bring it home--even if it's a good deal.
I don't plan to change my life. I have no need to do that, but I want to start on a clean slate. I think my cleaning out my stuff, it'll help me clear my thoughts as well. I need to get rid of all the baggage that's weighing me down!
That makes no sense... meh. By the way, if you're still reading, do you enjoy my change in subject? There's no way I can tie this post together into a coherent idea. Plus, I do that enough already for school. Also, there are many flaws with the thoughts I've typed up in this post. Don't you think I deserve to type mindlessly?
---
I just did a word count and it said I typed 737 words. Wow. Procrastination much?
Labels: dear diary
This entry was posted
on Friday, March 12, 2010 at 2:03 PM.
Comments are always welcomed.
March 12, 2010 at 6:38 PMFriendships are meant to grow apart :(
Guilty as charged.
And you don't throw things out because you're Chinese. It's in our blood to keep every damn possible thing because we JUST might need it one day in the future. Then again, that's not me. I even threw out my beloved Transformers a while ago.
March 16, 2010 at 11:50 AM
If Pat disappears, some people would notice. And then move on. And then forget. Every footstep on the beach gets washed away sooner or later.
Ack, I still have tonnes of junk stuff like that around. My grandma has even more (has entire rooms, closets, and parts of the garage for the stuff that "might be useful")
March 19, 2010 at 5:31 PM
well......if you think you are guilty of isolating yourself then I deserve to be shot XD......but i guess being busy does that to you.....you get so caught up in everything that when you step back you wonder what in the world you were thinking when you signed up for it.....
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